Public Paradise by Lauren Alexandra

“Tell me something.” He says, staring straight ahead. We’re sat on the roof, the few rides that litter the concrete are all closed now. The lights are off except for a few, his eyes staying focused on the city lights ahead.

“You’re different from how I thought you’d be.”

He seems taken aback by my answer, as if he hadn’t even expected a response at all. I look at the side of his face and realise, I actually don’t know this guy at all. He smiles and lets out a deep chuckle as he shares his last cigarette with me.

“Smoking buddies.” He says through a smile, watching me.

He never looks at me for too long and I know it’s because of the hold her pain still has on him. I feel selfish as I stare.

“Look at the sky.” He tells me, so that’s what I do.

A reckless feeling settles in the summer air around me and I realise I’d probably do a lot of things if he told me to. Blonde hair and sharp eyes, he cheated on my best friend. His arrogance feels familiar, but as I pick him apart under this streetlight I know exactly what I’m doing. I rather be the person getting heartbroken for once than the person doing the breaking. They say, he hurt you and you deserve more. But I think to myself, I hurt them and they deserve more. What’s the difference between me and them? I know what I’m doing every time I let them see me, kiss me. I know what I’m doing every time I say, I’m sorry but I just can’t do this right now.

“Come with me.” He stands up, flicking his head to move his hair from his eyes. His hand becomes outstretched in front of me. I swallow my thoughts and stand up, he watches my every movement. I let him lead me towards a fire escape.

“Wanna go up there?” He asks, his words a challenge disguised as a question.

“Why? You don’t want to?”

He doesn’t make sure I can see where the next step is, he doesn’t make sure I’m holding onto the railing. I sigh in relief. Perhaps the version I had of him in my mind isn’t completely false.

I can’t help but gasp at the view, my favourite city glows beyond me and stretches further than the ocean. The sky holds the city lights in a warm embrace, framing the moment in my mind.

He tilts his head to the side, looking at me with burning curiosity.

“We’d hurt a lot of people,”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

“She’s still in love with me.”

“Well, do you love her back?”

“No, that’s why I had to end it.”

“It’s not your problem then.”

“Harsh.”

“Is it though? Why put your life on hold for someone you don’t love?”

He replies with fire, clicking his lighter between his fingers.

“You know he still loves you,”

He stares down into my fierce green eyes and I can’t take it, so I close them. Closing my eyes I feel like I’m staring reality in the face. The city lights are dreamy, warm. Safe and full of love. There’s something cold and detached about the insides of my eyelids.

Is it possible to love a place more than a person?