Close To Reality by Lauren Alexandra

You’re standing there looking at me like I’m crazy. Crazy for crying crazy for thinking I could come here come to you for comfort crazy for thinking you care. You don’t, I see that now. My tears are like broken water pipes you fear won’t ever be fixed in time, you just stare at me.

“Why didn’t you answer your phone? I really needed you.”

“I am allowed alone time, you know. I don’t have to answer my phone.”

Everything around me feels melted and dark, I’m somewhere far away. I turn to walk away, I can’t do this anymore I want to say but the words are shy. Then there it is, that familiar snap and pull. Turning back to look at you I’m not sure if I love you or hate you.

Voices below my window startle me awake. My eyes are wet and my vision blurry as I reach to check the time. What day even is it? I have work soon. My senses start to come back to me as I remember where I am, the day, and all the things I need to do. But there’s an ache somewhere I can’t reach, was I dreaming? I know I was, but it felt so real. Was it a memory? I’m sure you’ve said those words to me before. And just like that I’m catapulted backwards, landing back on the question it always starts with. Why did you treat me like that?

The familiar feelings reach out and leave imprints on my skin, only this time they seem to fade quicker. I’m getting over you, will you finally let that happen? Breaking away from the reaching hands I slowly move out of bed, splashing cold water on my face to bring me back to the present. But as I walk through the house memories and moments of us whiz past, blurry and unsure and merciless. Sitting down to drink my cup of coffee, it’s just silence and me and I want to hate you so bad. I can’t even taste coffee without remembering our mornings together. Reluctantly getting out of bed, untangling, scrambling to be ready for work on time. Somehow you always found time for coffee though, and I remember who you were. Grinning at me from across the table and going to buy us coffee and cake for breakfast. You have the day off but I’m going to be late for work, it doesn’t seem to matter though. What happened to that version of you? The guy who wanted me, wanted this to work. Why was it so easy for you to let it all go?

Moving around to get ready for the day I shake my head, I can’t do this anymore. My arguments with you become one long internal monologue that scratches its way to the end before painfully playing again and again. The reality of you and everything you’ve done weighs heavy on me, I carry the pain for the both of us.

Outside the neighbour’s cat lays peacefully in the sun, her fur glowing. She purrs at me, inviting me to sit next to her. I carefully place myself next to her on the grass, flowers tickling my legs. Closing my eyes I breathe. Just breathe. Once, twice, three times. There we go, breathing feels a little bit easier out here. I picture myself sitting crossed-legged in an abyss of black. I’m 3D in a 2D space, nothing else exists.

I am happy, I am healthy, I am grateful. I see myself shining, fresh skin and silky hair. I let aspects of the life I want to achieve pop up around this version of me, reminding me which way I need to go. I replay last night’s dream in my head, only this time I turn to leave. I am gone.